On the Outside, He Seemed Fine
One Attorney’s Story
He Finally Got His Life Back

On the Outside, He Seemed Fine
Pat wasn’t in immediate danger of losing his job, his marriage, or his family. He’d never been to work drunk, though “alcohol affected the way I was handling things at work. I was just exhausted from drinking.”

“I was miserable and didn’t know why. I was disconnected with everything that should have been important. I didn’t really hit a bottom as much as I started to see the absurdity of my actions,” says Pat, who credits his call to ILAP with giving his life a fresh start.

Pat says in thinking back to his college days he wondered if he didn’t drink more than his classmates. Partying seemed to come first.

In law school, he put booze aside, excelled academically, but continued to binge during the summer. After law school, “It started out with a few beers after work, then drinking with the neighbors, then getting loaded every weekend.”

“I could go to a big function, a gala event and not get drunk. I would purposely not drink or only have one drink. Then the next night I’d get plowed. It was all about having it together.”
He started drinking alone, and after his wife and kids had gone to bed. He drank in front of his kids when his wife wasn’t around.

A turning point came when Pat drove home while drunk from an Iowa Cubs game with his son. His initial contact with ILAP came soon after that. “I was praying to quit drinking —and not being able to.”

Now, “I feel like I’m participating in my life,” he says. “It’s like having no sense of smell, hearing, taste or sight and suddenly getting all those things.”

One Attorney’s Story
Toward the end of his practice, Mike’s entire life had nearly completely unraveled. He’d emptied his trust accounts, was down to five clients and showed up at the office maybe twice a month. He went to court under the influence of cocaine when he bothered, but most often missed court dates altogether.

For the most part, he holed up in his apartment, alone with a $1,000-a-week drug habit—suspicious and fearful of what lay on the outside.

A turning point came when Mike received a call from another attorney. Mike remembers the attorney as saying, “Somebody must care about you. I understand you’re having some problems.”

The call was through Lawyers Helping Lawyers, a part of the Iowa Lawyers Assistance Program (ILAP), an organization to assist Iowa attorneys suffering from alcoholism or drug abuse, depression, stress or burnout.

Mike says he knew the attorney had dealt with his own substance abuse problems in the past, “so it was easier for me to admit to him what was going on. He met with me, saw what I needed to do first, needed to do second … ”

Mike eventually met with the ILAP executive director, who ultimately helped him untangle his affairs, and face the Board of Professional Ethics and Conduct. “He couldn’t save my license, but he showed me how to get help. ILAP saved my life.”

He Finally Got His Life Back
It took an ultimatum from his wife and ethics charges from the Grievance Commission to get John to face up to his depression.

Getting treatment for this insidious illness has made all the difference in his life. “My worst day now is better than by best day then,” says the Iowa attorney, who practiced for years before finally seeking treatment.

“I had a problem. I didn’t know what the problem was. I knew I was down. I just didn’t know why.”John says—looking back—he’d suffered from depression for years. “It was a gradual progression over the years.”

“I remember sitting in bar association meetings and hearing about lawyers who had been disbarred, censored or reprimanded because of actions arising from their depression. I just wanted to hide.”

“To hear others talk about depression made me feel guilty because I knew I had a problem.”
John was facing ethics violations for failing to answer certified letters from the Grievance Commission. His wife insisted he get in touch with the Iowa Lawyer Assistance Program.
With the help of the ILAP director, John got treatment for his depression, and worked through his ethics problems. Through ILAP, he has worked with several attorneys who also suffer from depression.

He discovered that life could be enjoyable. “Even when I’m down, I know I’ll be better. I don’t hate what I do anymore.”

With untreated depression: “There’s no zest for life, no reason to exist. After I got help, and started on medication, I could once again heard the birds singing. Thank God for ILAP.”